Change Without Conflict

this is just a chunk from an e mail i sent to my mate mark, mark has really been helping me get a handle on discipleship post construct:

you are now officially one third of my present life narrative. really got a lot of perspective to reflect on and bounce about with others from our little too and fro's.
One guy in seattle 'casey', he said that it was an odd time for him (us) in that we are not used to moving or making choices without some form of life stress or conflict which we feel God is in. Seems to be space at present to make choices and decisions without those things.
My reflection on that is that its odd indeed and unsettling, cause we can relate to god more in the life shift through conflict, and that means that we can carry residual guilt at the choices we make at present without stress or conflict. We can feel like SELFishness is creeping in, that we are too much in the driving seat with god as passenger as their is insufficient pain. If that were the case, it says something really bad about god which isnt true.
Guilt def: Punishing self in the absence of punishment or consequences from another. - Kind of Anti Grace.
Quite a few feeling lack of intimacy with god - which by and large relates to feeling... often we come from a experiential faith base which can trick us into thinking god is not near when we are lacking feeling or experience. Leanne Paine says thats a crock........... god is always fully here through his spirit in us, no more no less. Its been difficult detoxing that bit of church culture without feeling we left God somewhere, or due to lack of familiar ritual and practices, we are no longer close.

goes so deep this stuff, layer after layer eh matey.
gaz