Losing My Religion

Or am i losing my faith............................ quite a worrying thing to say out loud.
I dont think im having a crisis of faith, but im definately losing sleep to a crisis of perspective, rather reminiscent of having a bit of metal removed from my eye ball once. Apparantly, if you put up with if for a day or so, the eye grows a layer of skin over the debris to protect the rest of the eye and eyelid from further damage. So, having done the above in the hope that nature would take its course and it would get better of its own accord, i find myself at the eye hospital in a head brace with a lady saying 'Keep Looking Ahead', while she uses the needle from a syringe to free the debris from its new embedded home. The part that im relating to here is she is saying look straight ahead, and all the time she is shoving a needle in my eye and moving my field of vision at her command with every poke and stab. Yeah - so, thats what im feeling regards life and vision and stuff, and its all been contextulaised in the below inner voice conversation.

Just been on hols to a farmouse in a tiny village in rural ultra catholic france. Its all villages, different communities and you can see each new village from the last, and each has a church of its own. So around my village is 10 other villages with 10 other churches. So, im beginning to think what i could contribute if i moved there, trying it on for size, getting some vision and perspective and dreaming a few contexts to make a contribution.
The funny thing is that God knows im a visual person, so in our village the Marie (mayor and civic offices) are bang next door to the church. Do i work with the church (static) to serve the community, or do i work with the mayor. It may be plausible that both are christian, but if the mayors office was not, who would most be serving the purpouses of the kingdom.
I know this is all a bit bla de bla, i did say it was my inner voice, but its actually a real issue, thinking it through in a real place with real people and real opportunities and yet, two buildings representing potentially two differing governments and yet both or one may serve the purposes of God more, Which?? Honestly? I am flummuxed, the needle in my eye bending my line of sight this way and that as i ask the same old questions in a new setting.
I am worried that i risk something that the sally army did, which was starting as a fully dynamic cross cultural mission during the war years (christian words to songs s sang in pubs and donning uniforms in uniformed norm) to actually being increasingly about one hand of the two handed gospel - social action. I m concerned that i am being more drawn to see the quality of lives improve over and above a communication of who jesus is? Really................... lots to chew over at present. Perhaps i am feeling the void of church which is full of words and little action, invisible to the community around it, unmissed if it dissapeared tomorrow. would my town feel the pain of the kingdom withdrawing from it? If the church walked out of town tomorrow, would anyone notice, and if not, had the kingdom come there at all?
I wonder how mother theresa did it? Her angle was less to be jesus to people, and more that she poured herself into others believing herself to be serving jesus in each of them, as unto the lord himself. hands and words? hands before words? hands over words?

g
puzzling